sorry state of affairs
somebody other than bob wrote - I learned pretty early on that I was not going to have many chances for love. This isn't a sob story at all, it is just about a realization I came to in my late teens that the popular culture of relationships in America would prevent me from settling down. At the time I did not think about it in terms of country however, and never realized that the problem might be uniquely American. I didn't abstract to tell the truth, I just realized it. And what is it I'm talking about? The disrespectful, rude, and demeaning way that so many American women treat their men. Keep in mind that it never occurred to me this was uniquely American. I just thought that it was a man/woman thing in general, and that I was very unlucky to have a problem with it. Afterall, it is widespread. I don't know at what point in the relationship this happens, but I think it starts with casual jokes, like:
Man forgets about women's birthday or their three month dating anniversary or something similar. The women takes this as a ripe opportunity for righteous indignation, and tells her man that he's "in trouble". She then proceeds to tell everyone she knows that he forgot, as if it was really important. It starts out like this...with casual jokes, finger waiving "you're in big trouble mister!", etc. Then it becomes real.
Then the man really is in trouble. The relationship has morphed. It is no longer two adults with mutual and equal respect, but has become a kind of mother and child, or boss and employee relationship. Men are constantly nervous as to what their wives' next whim will be, and really will be told to sleep on the couch, apologies will be demanded (for ridiculously minor incursions), and sex will be refused. Sex becomes a weapon, not a pleasure. Women will even say it right out loud, in front of her man's friends. If a man is a "good boy", then he gets sex; if he's a "a bad boy", he's in the doghouse with no sex. Sex is no longer spontaneous and fun; he just hopes he has appeased his wife enough to get some. Little wonder this is the stage most men think about leaving.
But it usually gets worse before that happens, if it ever happens. Public humiliation replaces or rather enhances private humiliation. The woman has come to the point where she openly orders her husband around, whether it be at home or at the supermarket. Everyone that he knows and she knows will now openly talk about whether he is "in the doghouse" or if he's been a good boy. She no longer attempts to hide her demands with subtle questions, but out and out tells her husband what he will do, when he will do it, and always with the unspoken understanding of the consequences if he doesn't.
I know this sounds biographical, but oddly enough it's not. I met my wife when I was 18 years old, and she does none of these things. But all this did happen to a very good friend of mine, thankfully before he actually got married. His fiancee started acting like this before a marriage ever took place, and he sure gave her a shock when he told her that she had better stop treating him like shite or he would dump her faster than she could say Jack Robinson. Well, she just couldn't help herself, and it didn't last.
This behavior is part of our social programming, and we see it everywhere. On TV we have our familiar stereotypes of a helpless, idiotic, defeated husband who slavishly obeys his "honey", who orders him around like a trained pony. It's everywhere we look...at home, among friends, and in public.
And, I know I'll get flamed for this, but I met two American guys (one who was divorced) at Shi-Da who have both vowed to never again date American women because both had similar experiences to the above. It seems that Taiwanese women don't feel a need to develop this boss/employee relationship that lots of American women do.
So my question to the womenfolk is this: what do you think of the above behavior? Do you do it or know other women who do, and why?
Man forgets about women's birthday or their three month dating anniversary or something similar. The women takes this as a ripe opportunity for righteous indignation, and tells her man that he's "in trouble". She then proceeds to tell everyone she knows that he forgot, as if it was really important. It starts out like this...with casual jokes, finger waiving "you're in big trouble mister!", etc. Then it becomes real.
Then the man really is in trouble. The relationship has morphed. It is no longer two adults with mutual and equal respect, but has become a kind of mother and child, or boss and employee relationship. Men are constantly nervous as to what their wives' next whim will be, and really will be told to sleep on the couch, apologies will be demanded (for ridiculously minor incursions), and sex will be refused. Sex becomes a weapon, not a pleasure. Women will even say it right out loud, in front of her man's friends. If a man is a "good boy", then he gets sex; if he's a "a bad boy", he's in the doghouse with no sex. Sex is no longer spontaneous and fun; he just hopes he has appeased his wife enough to get some. Little wonder this is the stage most men think about leaving.
But it usually gets worse before that happens, if it ever happens. Public humiliation replaces or rather enhances private humiliation. The woman has come to the point where she openly orders her husband around, whether it be at home or at the supermarket. Everyone that he knows and she knows will now openly talk about whether he is "in the doghouse" or if he's been a good boy. She no longer attempts to hide her demands with subtle questions, but out and out tells her husband what he will do, when he will do it, and always with the unspoken understanding of the consequences if he doesn't.
I know this sounds biographical, but oddly enough it's not. I met my wife when I was 18 years old, and she does none of these things. But all this did happen to a very good friend of mine, thankfully before he actually got married. His fiancee started acting like this before a marriage ever took place, and he sure gave her a shock when he told her that she had better stop treating him like shite or he would dump her faster than she could say Jack Robinson. Well, she just couldn't help herself, and it didn't last.
This behavior is part of our social programming, and we see it everywhere. On TV we have our familiar stereotypes of a helpless, idiotic, defeated husband who slavishly obeys his "honey", who orders him around like a trained pony. It's everywhere we look...at home, among friends, and in public.
And, I know I'll get flamed for this, but I met two American guys (one who was divorced) at Shi-Da who have both vowed to never again date American women because both had similar experiences to the above. It seems that Taiwanese women don't feel a need to develop this boss/employee relationship that lots of American women do.
So my question to the womenfolk is this: what do you think of the above behavior? Do you do it or know other women who do, and why?
posted by david at 7:08 AM
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