screaming jesus

Now Junior, before you go out on your date with Becky, there's some things we have to talk about, man to man--or should I say, sentient being to sentient being. Do you know what fucking is, Junior?"

"It's a common gerund, Dad. Used for emphasis."

"Well yes, but it's also a wonderful loving act...well, unless it is coercive...between two people...or anyway, some number of people...WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER DO, even though it feels good."

"As good as masturbation, Dad?"

"Totally. But like all pleasure, it contains within it the seeds of suffering."

"Boy, sexual intercourse sounds great! I'd sure like to try that."

"But our religion teaches that selfish cravings trap us in cyclic existence. Don't you want to liberate all sentient beings, son?"

"I guess so."

"Including Becky?"

"Yeah..."

"Then you'll need to practice the perfection of renunciation, compassion, and wisdom-realizing-emptiness. A wise decision, son. I'm proud of you."

"It's not fair! You and Mom get to do it."

"That's because we lacked enough good karma to take robes. So we became householders. But you've still got a shot at escaping samsara in one lifetime."

"But...I heard Becky totally puts out."

"All sentient beings have been your mother in a previous life, Junior. You wouldn't fuck your own mother, would you?"

"Noooo..."

"Just try to imagine her without her face--the skin ripped off, revealing the hideous mass of muscle and bone underneath. That's what all women are like, Junior."

"Aw Dad..."

"There's the doorbell now. Have fun on your date, son.... What, that wasn't Becky?"

"Naw, just some missionaries."

[Later...]

"How was your date, Junior?"

"Great, Dad!"

"Did you remember what I said about renunciation?"

"Well, I couldn't stop thinking about Becky's essential Buddha Nature which is pure, luminous, and undefiled. Or at least it was before tonight..."

"So what happened?"

"I thought to myself, why not enjoy the fruits of samsara without clinging to them? Then I can utilize these energies on the path to enlightenment. So I visualized her as the goddess Adiprajna, and we entered yabyum together."

"Did the white drop touch the red drop?"

"No, it squirted all over her lotus feet."

"Then you're probably safe. Otherwise she would suck up your qi, or life-force, and you'd have a shorter life. And did you remember to dedicate the merits?"

"Well...later. Right afterwards we just lay there absorbed in the bliss of dharmakaya."

"Junior, I think you've learned an important lesson today. About nonconceptuality."

"Thanks Dad."

"And don't forget--in the state of nondual consciousness, you won't feel like discriminating between Betty, or any other sentient being. So go to bed, son. I'll be up in a minute."